This cover of the March/April issue of Psychology Today is one of the tackiest I've seen in a long time. Check it out: headless woman in a miniskirt, brandishing a toilet brush, towering above a shlubby-looking guy drinking milk straight out of the jug. "
You're Driving Me Crazy!" reads the headline, the implication being that an irritated Suzy Sexpot here took a break from scrubbing the toilet (which I
always do in a skirt n' heels combo, BTW) to nag her hapless hubby. But don't forget, Suzy: if hubby doesn't grasp the basics of household etiquette,
maybe you're the problem!
Okay, I understand and (in some instances) agree with the whole idea that, as the cover states, sometimes the solution to a problem lies with the irritatee, not the irritator. But I'm miffed that the article seems to be subtly directing its advice to the female half of hetero relationships. The piece provides a litany of irritants that are stereotypically associated with men: the aforementioned dirty socks on the floor, chewing loudly, leaving the toilet seat up, putting feet on the furniture, and so forth. But these objectively gross habits become, in this article, women's problem:
If your partner has a habit that he or she is not aware of but that drives you up a wall—keeping the bathroom door open, leaving bread crumbs in the butter dish, walking around in underwear—bring it up in a loving way. Maybe it simply never occurred to your partner that it bothers you.
Nice job on the "he or she" there, but the exhortation to "bring it up in a loving way" sounds to me like another way that women are expected to take on the burden of relationship management. This kind of advice doesn't really sound a hell of a lot different from advice that would have been published in the
Good Wife's Guide from the 1950s (you know what I'm talking about: "Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day."). Compare:
If your partner can't seem to change sloppy ways, reframe the issue in your own mind. Instead of focusing on how inadequately he cleans, remind yourself how much you appreciate his contribution to household chores.
I just think this is such a good example of the ways that sexism sells men short. It's like the message to men is: you're stupid! You're lazy! Women can't expect any better from you!
But there's also something really sinister about this article in its failure to really look at the gender dynamic of so-called "irritating" behaviour. What about when "irritating" becomes, oh, say, abusive?
Instead of seeing your partner as controlling, ask yourself what's motivating them. A partner who doesn't want you to go out with your friends may be scared of being abandoned. A partner who is second-guessing your decisions may be worried about you.
Um, yeah. Tell Rihanna that.
Also in the creepy/dangerous department is a "case study" (about as real as the "case studies" in Cosmo) about two young lawyers who wanted a baby, but fought all the time (read: the wife nagged the husband and the husband responded by physically pushing her, 'cause men who use physical violence on their partners have been provoked, right?). The couple decided in family therapy that their relationship was too violent to bring a baby into it. But then their therapist said to the husband:
"In the future, whenever she begins to go after you and wants to discuss money—whether at home, at a party, on the street—put your hand under her blouse or her skirt and fondle her."
WHHAAAA...??? Um...WHHAAAA...??? Uh, call me a spoilsport, but if my husband responded to my need to discuss an issue as important as money by going in for a grope, he would
not be getting lucky that night at all. And, um, this is a violent relationship we're talking about, here! Aw, but what about the happy ending?
Not only did the tactic successfully interrupt the pattern of angry confrontation, it transformed it into a playful and warm dynamic. Within a month, she was pregnant.
YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES YIKES. What happened to good, old-fashioned advice like, "If you're husband is pushing you around, leave him"?!
Honestly, Psychology Today, why not just write an article that says, "Come on, ladies. You know men! Sometimes they just do stupid shit. They can't be expected to do any better. So if you're irritated, turn the scrutiny back on yourself. We know you do it so well!"
Tagged as:
abuse,
magazines,
marriage,
menfolk,
women
Order nexium without prescription, After 68 years of simultaneously dating 2 women, 
Confabulous badges!
